


Dear Snow

by macchajun



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Misunderstandings, One Shot, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-08 02:16:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21228128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/macchajun/pseuds/macchajun
Summary: "It's not good at all, right? It's suffocating being with me"





	Dear Snow

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta-ed, but enjoy!

_ "Don't worry, it's nothing to worry about" _

-

The day was rather gloomy as the grey clouds filled the sky. The sky cried and shouted it's sorrow by filling the earth with it's rain. Many people stopped in their way to get shelter, but some decided to push through the rain to go back home. Puddles of rainwater were everywhere, filling up every corner of the street as much as it can. 

"It's fine, I'll go get his belongings later once this rain calms down" 

A man in his middle thirties leaned on one of the walls of the buildings, he choose to take shelter to pick up the call he wasn't expecting. 

"Don't worry about it, have a nice day" He turned off his phone and put it back into his trouser's pocket. He rubbed his hands together to warm himself a little bit. These days it's been too cold, the sky was always crying, but there's nothing he could do.

Not even preventing his loved one to take his own life away.

He looked at his watch, _ 5 P.M, _he sighed before he cuddle himself to warm himself even more. The air is too cold, but so does his heart. He's still on his way to recover from the huge shock he encountered a few days ago. Now that he thinks about it, maybe the sky is crying together with him now that it has lost its sunshine.

Just like how he has lost his too.

-

_ "What are you writing?" _

_ Jun was writing on a piece of paper when Sho entered his room, he startled when he heard Sho's voice and he immediately stopped writing. He turned to look at Sho then smiled as if nothing happened at all. _

_ "Nothing, it's a secret" Jun grinned sheepishly. Sho peeked a little to his side, but Jun was able to cover the writing in time. "Not a secret you can tell me?" _

_ "Don't worry, it's nothing to worry about" Jun shook his head, then he stood up. He pulled Sho closer to him and kissed him on his lips. Though Sho was really curious about what Jun wrote, he decided to let it go for now as he was trapped in Jun's mouth, which tasted like paradise. _

_ Sho parted his lips and intertwined his tongue with Jun's. The kiss was soft and warm, unrushed yet meaningful. Sho moaned by the pleasure before Jun pulled himself away from Sho. He smiled again before he peck his cheek. _

_ "Okay I'll let you write it, but I'm going to try and make dinner for both of us" Sho patted Jun's head, earning a hum from the latter. _

_ "Try not to burn the kitchen" Jun teased, earning a playful slap on the arm from Sho. "Don't worry, I learned from the best" Sho said before leaving Jun alone in the bedroom and head to the kitchen. _

_ Surely whatever Jun was writing isn't something important, right? _

-

The rain has calmed down, the sky is slowly and gradually clearing up. Sho was already walking towards his next destination even before the rain has completely calmed down. The wind, though, was very cold as a result of the aftermath, it freezes him to his bones so he hold tight his coat even more before he started to run a little to reach the place even faster. 

When he arrived, he hesitated whether he should head in or just ask a carrier to get the stuff. But then again he promised to take his belongings by himself, so he couldn't afford to break his promise. With a loud sigh, he braced himself before entering the apartment building. 

Once he entered, he was greeted by the worker who worked at the front desk of the building, for visitors. 

"Sho-kun! Good afternoon!" he greeted him, Ikuta Toma, with a bright smile. Sho smiled too and went to the desk instead. "Good afternoon, Toma" 

Toma shifted nervously before he leaned closer to whisper. "How are you dealing with this now?" Toma forced a smile. 

"I'm fine, it's okay really" Sho smiled weakly, though it wasn't enough to convince Toma. His smile turned into a frown before he pulled Sho closer to give him a little hug.

"I hope you'll be okay, you and I both lost a precious someone" he said after he let go of Sho. Sho nodded before smiling and heading towards the elevator. 

He definitely didn't need to hear that.

-

_ "It's the first time I'm taking you to my apartment, so I'm kind of nervous" Jun exclaimed while he pulled Sho's hand and walking ahead from Sho. He chuckled as he pulled him a little to slow down. _

_ "There's no need to be nervous, silly" Sho said while patting Jun's head. Jun shook his head, and hugged him while walking, still smiling as bright as ever. _

_ "Of course there is a need for me to be nervous, it's my first time in my life having someone over in my own house, or well apartment, ever" he said, his fragrance was now stuck on to Sho's shirt. Sho really likes Jun, especially when he's very clingy and in need of huge affection. Sho kissed his cheek, and hugged him even closer. _

_ "Well then, I'm honoured" Sho replied with gentleness. Somewhere along the way, Sho could feel his own heartbeat beating rather fast, but then he could feel Jun's competing with his own. _

_ He smiled to himself, knowing how much he loves Jun. _

_ "Toma!" Jun shouted when they arrived inside the apartment's building. They were at the front desk, Jun was waving enthusiastically at the guy who's sitting behind the desk. _

_ "Jun! Finally, right?" Toma stood up and grinned widely while looking at Sho. Sho bowed a little and smiled out of habit. Jun nodded, and brought Sho closer to him before introducing him. _

_ "Toma, this is my boyfriend Sakurai Sho. Sho-kun, this is my cousin Ikuta Toma" Sho blushed when he said boyfriend. Toma clapped his hands before he shook Sho's hand. _

_ "Pleasure to finally meet you, Jun always talks about you" Toma said, he was really happy. Jun slaps Toma's hand, before he looked away. "Shut up" But Sho just laughed. _

_ "I hope it's all good things" Sho said. Toma shook his hand and waved him off. "He really loves you, you know. He talks great things about you, so I hope you don't break his heart" And another slap from Jun. _

_ They were both blushing, but Sho bowed at him again, for no reason. "I'm sure I'll treasure him with all my heart" Sho said, squeezing Jun's body a little. _

_ "Come on, we're wasting time here!!" Jun claimed, his tone a bit high, but Sho can tell he didn't mean to. Toma laughed while he waved at them, and Jun pulling Sho's hand to the elevator. He impatiently pushed the button, and fortunately the elevator door opened up immediately. _

_ "That was so embarrassing" Jun said when the elevator is already going to Jun's floor. Sho laughed before he pulled Jun closer to him then whispered to him. _

_ "There's nothing to be embarrassed about" _

-

The door opened before he knew it. The elevator ride seemed to be faster than it was before. Maybe it's because he was with Jun so it felt a little longer than it actually is. But he shook his head, and stepped out of the elevator and to Jun's room. He took his spare keys and slowly putting it through the hole of the lock. 

He slowly turned the key and opened the door. The lights were off, and the room felt a little dustier than he remembered. He turned the lights on then slowly stepped inside before saying his greetings to the empty room.

"Sorry for intruding-, ah, I'm home" 

He hasn't been in Jun's apartment in months so he kind of forgot that whenever Sho came to his place, he has to say "I'm home" instead of "sorry for intruding". It's one of Jun's cute quirks he'd like to think.

Nothing has changed with the interior, it's the same as the last time Sho visited his apartment. Sho traced the walls as he walked towards the window to open the curtain and let the moon shine upon the room. His warm memories are beginning to fill his head once more, it's such a shame this room will be rented out again for others to live in. 

He shook his head before reminding himself again about the purpose of him coming here, to take Jun's left behind belongings as he wishes and the rest will preferably be donated to a charity. He looked around the room before heading towards the kitchen. 

He could still remember how much of a good cook Jun is. His food was always delicious, and has a certain homey feeling to it. Sho always look forward to his cooking whenever Jun said he will. 

There's nothing that he took from the kitchen, except a mug that Sho bought for him for their first Christmas together. The design on the mug was simple, only striped lines, but Jun had said that he loves it very much. 

He then went towards the bedroom, where he and Jun created many lovely memories in it. 

-

_ "The food was delicious, you're amazing Macchan" Jun stopped and looked at Sho, curiously. _

_ "Macchan? You never called me that" Jun giggled. Sho laughs before he sipped his glass of red wine that Jun had poured beforehand. _

_ "I just thought that it's cute, not only the nickname, but Macchan himself. He's very nervous when he cooked for me, and especially very nervous when opening the door" Sho teased, earning a pout from Jun. _

_ "I told you, I have a reason to be nervous" he hissed before shoving putting his glass of wine on the table beside his bed and lay down on the bed. Sho laughed instead, enjoying Jun's annoyed face. _

_ Jun went quiet, he kept staring at Sho while Sho was watching the tv. When Sho looked back at Jun, he immediately looked at the tv. Sho thinks that Jun must've wanted something, so he put his wine aside. _

_ "What is it?" He asked, but Jun shook his head. Instead, Jun bit his lips, presumably eager to do something with Sho. Sho thinks he knew what Jun wants, but he's afraid that his guess might be wrong. So he adjusted his position in the bed and lay aside and looked at Jun. _

_ Jun looked at Sho before he sat down and started to crawl on top of Sho. 'I knew it' he thought to himself, but refuse to say. Jun stared at Sho's eyes with his own dark brown eyes. He then moved his hand to touch Sho's jaw, but stopped midway and hesitated. _

_ Sho took the initiative and pinned him down instead. Now Jun is lying on the bed and Sho is on top of him. He leaned closer to Jun's face, but he didn't show any fears. _

_ "Do you want it? Is that why you brought me here today?" Sho asked instead, face close to each other. _

_ "Not.. Not exactly, there are also various reasons why I invited you here" Jun blushed, his eyes were everywhere but him. _

_ "Oh yeah? Then what could those various reasons be?" _

_ "Like, showing you what my apartment looks like? Or show you how good I am at cooking? Or simply because I love you? That should be enough right?" Jun didn't move a single limb, he was stiff, frozen, trapped in Sho's gaze. Sho hummed. _

_ "It's enough, well it was enough, until you took the initiative. I think there's a hidden motive underneath that brain of yours" Sho touched his forehead. Jun blushed yet again. _

_ Sho leaned closer and close the gap between them when he kissed Jun. At first Jun was stiff but then he parted his lips to let Sho through. It was innocent, full of youth, and sweet, considering they were both drinking red wine earlier on. _

_ That night, they fell asleep next to each other, holding each other tightly, sleeping soundly, and their heartbeat synchronized with each other _

_ \- _

The bed was tougher than he remembered it. It was softer before, and the bed definitely doesn't feel nice to sleep on anymore. He looked around the room, it's like he could suddenly hear their laughter and giggles from back then. If only he could change the past, right. 

He laughs at himself before he stood up and searching for stuff he could bring home. 

He took Jun's favorite teddy bear that Sho gave him on valentines day, some of Sho's own clothes that Jun likes to take secretly and wore it, and other stuff. He was looking under the bed when he saw a quite large box he never saw before. He took it out and opened it up. 

It was filled with origami cranes of various colours. He took it out when he saw a note at the bottom of the box.

_ '100, 900 more to go for Sho's happiness' _

"What are you planning Jun?" Sho immediately searched for the other boxes under the bed or anywhere else. It couldn't possibly, no, he doesn't want to.

-

_ "Can you stop for a minute? I'm very tired" Sho unconsciously raised his tone at Jun who was just asking him how he's feeling. _

_ Sho was very tired after overworking at the office for more than three days, it was stressful and his boss was even more demanding. Sho doesn't know if he could take it anymore, and being with Jun he feels like he was being demanded even more. _

_ Jun was silent, he was shocked after the sudden raise of voice. He kneeled in front of Sho while he rubbed Sho's arm. But his hands were swatted away. _

_ "Is there anything I could do for you?" _

_ "No, wait there is, don't disturb me, I'm very exhausted" Sho said before he stood up and head to the shower. Jun sat on the couch and just went quiet before sobbing quietly. _

_ When Sho was finished he didn't even look at Jun and simply went to the bedroom. He somehow regretted coming over to Jun's apartment instead of going home in his own. But then he could hear Jun's crying from outside, which brought him back to his senses. He felt so much guilt, bashing out on Jun when he could do it to someone else. He then heard Jun said to himself, a bit muffled. _

_ "It's not good at all, right? It's suffocating being with me" _

_ \- _

Sho desperately took out all the boxes he found. Once he gathered all ten, he sat himself on the bed and opened it one by one. 

_ '200, 800 more to go for Sho's happiness…. _

_ and maybe my own too' _

Sho sighed heavily while desperately holding back his tears, he failed big time, he knew it. But back then he didn't even try to fix it, he knows. He then opened the next box. 

_ '300, 700 more to go for Sho's happiness…. _

_ and my own too, if it's alright for you God' _

_ '400, 600 more to go for Sho's happiness (?), if possible only. Then mine if it's okay' _

_ '500, 500 more to go for…. _

_ My health and happiness' _

_ '600, 400 more to go…. _

_ Life is getting harder and harder God, I hope you forgive my mistakes and let me have a happy life' _

_ '700, 300 more to go… _

_ It's even tougher, I hope Sho is doing fine better than I do' _

_ '800, 200 more to go... _

_ I'm sorry I shouldn't change my wish so often, so I'll go back to wishing for Sho's happiness' _

_ '900, 100 more to go…. _

_ I think it's already impossible for me, I couldn't even be honest to Sho, I hope for Sho's happiness' _

_ '999, 1 more to go… _

_ I'll finish this tomorrow, I promise, but for now please give Sho the happiness he deserves I've been suffering since day one, so I'm getting used to it.' _

Tears were streaming down his cheek and wetted the bed. He messed up ever since he raised his voice on Jun, he triggered him ever since then. He knows, Jun was an absolute sunshine, and he knows he began to be gloomy ever since then. 

He finally understood, the reason why Jun killed himself.

He took a purple origami crane from the box and hold it close to his heart. He cried while his memories flashed back on his mind. 

"Jun" 

"Jun, I missed you"

"Jun, I'm sorry"

"Jun, I love you"

He kept saying to the ceiling, hoping for replies from Jun. He felt so bad for being a jerk while Jun has been suffering behind his back. He was always convinced by Jun's smile and kisses when in reality Jun was aching. It hurts Sho's heart even more. If Jun wasn't with him from the beginning, none of this would happen, he's sure of it.

He slapped his own head, before he saw a glimpse of a letter underneath the couch's pillow. He took it out and saw it.

_ 'To Sho, no, Sacchan' _

On the envelope, there's a clear marks of tears on it. He wiped his own tears before he opened the envelope and read the letter. 

_ 'Dear Sho, _

_ Thank you for everything, really. You've been my light in my darkest hour. When I was stressed, when I had so much in my mind, your face always popped up in my head, and that calmed me. You've found me and took care of me when I was in my most fatal condition even though you didn't know that. I was excellent in hiding my emotions after all. _

_ But when you shouted at me, got mad at me at that time, it made me realize once again. I'm stubborn, I'm straight forward, I'm annoying, i'm a hindrance, but most importantly I'm suffocating to be around for others around me. It's been like that for me, always, since the beginning. My family would get mad at me for the simplest mistake that I do, or even the mistake I didn't make. It's like everything I do is wrong. _

_ But that changed, drastically, when I met you. My life was better, better than it has ever been. _

_ But then you got angry at me, I suddenly lose the confidence to open up to you. Afraid that you might think that I'm too noisy. Until the end, I couldn't be honest with you anymore, I kept faking my smile and you kept believing it so I thought it would be better that way. I don't want you to think that I'm too troublesome because I had lots of things in my mind. _

_ But of course, I couldn't handle it anymore. In the end I was too tired to make that one last origami crane for you to make the wish came true, I'm sorry. I thought that if I end my life, people around me will be happier, and even you could be happier. _

_ So I guess, now you're free. Happier, right? Untied to me. I guess I should say you're welcome, right? Haha. _  


_ Love, Jun' _

"Stupid, you're so stupid Jun" he cried, he couldn't contain his emotions anymore. He knows how Jun felt now, and he felt bad for not noticing anything. He was too convinced by his act, and he was stupid to believe it. 

He's angry, at Jun and at himself.

At Jun for not being honest with him at all circumstances, and at himself for being stupid and reckless. The Sho who didn't know anything, is the same Sho who made Jun decided to end his life.

_ "Don't break his heart" _ he punched himself. He's very sorry to everyone, to Jun's family, to Jun's friends, to Toma, and to Jun himself. Right now there's nothing he can do but regretting what he had done. 

His heart breaks into a million pieces, he imagined how it felt to be at Jun's feet, dealing with his mental illness everyday. If he knew this would happen, he would've apologized immediately instead of waiting until tomorrow, or he could even contain his anger. 

No he didn't think Jun was troublesome, annoying, noisy, and especially a hindrance. Jun was a paradise, an angel. Everything he never knew he needed, he loves the way he always put his efforts in everything, how he never gave up, how he works really hard, how he cherish everything. Sho wanted to punch himself in the guts till he fainted, he really was a jerk.

"I'm sorry Jun, for everything. May you rest in peace, Macchan"

-

He arranged the origami crane one by one on Jun's grave. He took Toma with him and explained to him the whole situation. Although Toma seemed displeased at first, he then soften his expression. 

"Well what's done is done. Be careful next time, Sho-kun" he had said. Sho was afraid Toma was going to lash out on to him, but Toma just smiled at him. 

He carefully arranged it to look beautiful with help from Toma. The last origami crane wasn't from the boxes, but it was from his pocket. Sure it wasn't as neatly made as Jun's, but it was made with lots of love he could guarantee. He put the last origami crane, before he prayed. 

"I wish for Jun's happiness in heaven"

He looked to the blue sky above him. 

"And for him to look after me"

**Author's Note:**

> Whew, hello guys did you enjoy it? To be honest, Shojun is my otp but I like to write angst fics for them so I hope this is angst enough XD. Let me know what you think about this! 
> 
> To anyone who's depressed or having mental issuee, I hope you can found someone to talk to or just talk to psychologist. Don't bottle up your feelings, it'll burden you even more. I'm recently going through the same thing, so we're in this together. If you want to talk to me, my twitter is always open :)
> 
> But anyways, thank you for reading.


End file.
